Show me the light...

Ever wondered why are we afraid of the dark? Why is it so that we always feel confident while walking on an unknown path during the day time when the sun is shining bright in the sky but we feel weak and scared to walk on a known path in the dark?

The reason is our own shadow that accompanies us during the day time... when we see that shadow following us, we see our actions, we have a companion and a feeling that we are not alone... where as during the night time, our shadow is not with us anymore... and we feel as if we are walking all alone...that is what actually scares us...

But is shadow a mere reflection? It has much more significance than that... in our lives we have good times and bad times... just like day and night... in good times we have companions...who are with us all the time like our own shadow... such good times seem never ending...its like a sun that never sets... and whenever we feel scared in these times, all we have to do is turn around... and we see a friend, who stands right behind us like a shadow with a smile that assures confidence, and a motivation to move ahead in life...

But good times are almost always followed by bad times... and I had read somewhere that these bad times come to teach us the importance of the good and happy days of our life... these bad times are like a dark moonless night... where the sky is so cloudy that we don't even stars... there is absolutely nothing around us... and now when we turn around... there is no shadow...

We all sleep in the night... maybe to pass the dark time... and when the sun rises...our day begins... a new day, a new hope but the same shadow... we always salute the rising sun, because it gives a feeling that we are not alone...

I have learnt one very important thing in life... that being alone and being lonely are two different things... I must have been alone many times... but for the first time in my life I am lonely... and I see no shadow behind me, whether it is a day time or a night time... there seems to be a a phase of a long eclipse in my life... and I don't know when that eclipse will end...

I just need that light... to brighten my path... I need my shadow back... I am scared, weak and tired of walking alone in my lonely life...

I miss my shadow...I miss my reflection... and above all I miss my soul that left my body all alone in this world...

It's Been A Long Time Since...

Today I am free...was just lazing around at home...and I had been looking forward to a free day since quite sometime...and I had thought of doing a lot of things on this particularly most awaited day...but today when I finally got sometime,I feel like completing none of those pending chores!

Have you ever wondered how many times this similar thing has happened in your lives??How many times we schedule a task for some day and when that day finally arrives we don't feel like doing that task??And one particular day we realize that its been such a long time since we've done what we liked and what we really wanted to do...then we feel that life is so dull,it doesn't allow us to do things we actually want to...there is no time!

Today I realize that it's been a long time since I have done a lot of things I had planned to and it makes me sad that I have missed out on a lot of fun...
I wanted to catch up on a lot of movies and I was waiting for a free day to arrive where in I could hire some DVD's and enjoy the flicks...but right now,I feel too lazy to even rent a movie...
I wanted to go shopping to update my wardrobe...but today I have an awesome excuse of unexpected rains!
I wanted to call up few of my friends to wish them for their birthday's that have already gone by...but I don't feel like calling them up at this time...excuse:it's afternoon,and they must be enjoying a nap!
I wanted to clean my book shelf and dump the unnecessary trash...but today somehow when I see my shelf I feel it's just...perfect!

The point is right now I don't feel like getting out of my bed and doing any of these stuff...and tomorrow my routine life will begin...where I will leave my house at 8 in the morning and will be back all tired and exhausted by 7 in the evening...and with that tired mind and body when I will have a look at my life...suddenly everything will seem to be unfair...
The book shelf will suddenly look like the most unorganized thing on the planet,
I would realize that I have no friends to talk to at the end of the day,
no new clothes and accessories to attend an upcoming function
and that I have not seen any good movies since a long time...
And at that time I will curse my life,I will feel as if there should have been 30 hours in a day and I will feel sad for the fast life that I am into...and then I will again hope for another free day where in I could do these things as well as a couple of things more!

Life gives each one of us a fair chance to do what we want to...each one of us is given equal amount of time and space to manage everything...so that we don't miss out on the fun elements of life and live a balanced life...
But sadly none of us make use of the time and space appropriately and one fine day what we are left with is 1000's of pending work,frustration and complaints...

So to all of those who are reading this blog...go ahead,pull up your socks and try to do what you planned to do at the right time...
Don't miss out on these moments...and don't wonder that...
"IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I HAVE LIVED MY LIFE"

I Miss You Amma...

14th August,2009...
I could never forget this day for my entire life...I lost someone who loved me more than anyone could ever love me...I saw her lying lifeless,expressionless and fragile...she was very emotional...but that day she was sleeping in silence while all of us wept around her...I just looked at her face and missed her smile...that infectious smile she always wore on her face that could always force anyone to smile back...I thought it was a bad dream..this could not be true...
I touched her feet and she didn't move her hand to place it on my head and then take me in her arms...she still kept lying motionless...Itouched her feet again...this time I held her feet with both my hands and placed my forehead on her feet...she still didn't move...then I realized...Amma is no more...this is not a dream...

I kept looking at her face with tearful eyes...and I didn't want to blink even for a second...because I didn't want to miss even a single glimpse of her...she will be gone forever in a few more minutes...and I will never get to see her face again...never ever...I wished for a miracle to happen...and she would just come back...but somewhere I knew this is not possible...

Then came the moment when people started to take her away...I felt suffocated...as if someone is taking away something that is within me...I felt a pain within to see her go away...I kept following her till a certain distance because I could see feet wrapped in a cloth...I knew it was her...and I wanted to see her till my heart's content...but she went away and never came back...

She left behind her millions of memories...
Her room still smelled of her...she was very fond of perfumes and we used to laugh that Amma has the most amazing collection of perfumes in the entire family...
Her clothes were still there neatly arranged in her cupboard...she always wanted her clothes to be clean,crisply starched and ironed...
Her cupboard...which was a treasure in itself...she kept all the photo albums in there...all our chilhood memories...whenever I opened her cupboard I used to see my old toys and snaps which she kept so nicely..and it made me feel like a child again...it also had a box which had toffees...and till today she would give all her grandchildren one toffee each :)
Her bed...she used to always sit on one side of the bed with her small purse that had precisely 100 buck...a torch which she used in the night to see the time,her glasses,a magazine and her box of medinces...
Her small kitchen garden,which was full of vegetables and fruits...she loved gardening and I still remember how we used to pluck raw guava and eat in front of her just to irritate her...and she would scream at us that she wanted those guavas to ripe so that she could make guava jelly from it...
Her small Mandir...where she would spend 1 hour praying to God while we would patiently wait for the prasad and then for having breakfast together...and every day she would try to offer different prasad to God...I don't know whether she tried to please God with that variety or please her Grandchildren who would keep waiting for the surprise prasad each morning...
Her telephone Diary...which she always complained that half the people in that diary are already dead and still she has their numbers...

She left all of this and went away all alone...she left her kids alone...whom she loved so much that now each one of us feel that we lost someone who was not just our Amma but our friend...who would understand us and take our side and protect us...who would pray to god when we went to give our exams...who would scold our parents if they scream on us...wo was truly everything to us...

I miss you Amma...wherever you are...just be happy and safe...and please take of yourself...I really love you...I wish I could bring you back...I need you...but I also know that you are somewhere around...can't see you...can't hear you...but can feel you...
Love You Amma...

Get Well Soon Amma...

Each one of us have someone or something that we love more than ourselves...That special someone is even dearer than our own lives to us...For me the most special person whom I could love more than anything on this earth is my grandmother...I fondly call her Amma...

She is for me a true epitome of beauty,love and affection...My mom tells me that the first person who held me in their arms when I was born 23 years ago was Amma...in these 23 years,I have seen Amma growing old and getting weak physically...I have seen her hair going from black to grey and now white...I have seen those wrinkles that keep growing every year...those steady hands that held me and protected me have now become shaky...but what hasn't changed over these years is the love that I see in her eyes...

When I see her after long period of time...I notice her gradual ageing...but I also notice that twinkle in her eye and the way she spreads her arms to hold me and smile...I can never forget that look on her face...that warm smile,those tearful eyes and the way she blesses me and says..."mera baccha"...

Amma is truly everything for me,she inculcated all the moral values in me...taught me right from wrong...gave me a wonderful childhood...I remember those numreous nights when she would narrate to me stories that had a lesson in the end...I remember each and every tale I heard from her...

Today she is not well,and is battling with a serious infection...it is really a pain to see the her in such a state...for me its like seeing the strongest pillar of my life so fragile and so broken down...I feel very helpless...wish I could do something for Amma...I miss listening to her voice...I miss seeing her smile...I am really missing her...all I can do right now is to pray for her...I hope she gets well soon...and talks to me like she used to...

Get well soon Amma...I really Love you...

Going Down The Memory Lane...

Today I just happen to pass by a park and I was observing the games little kids were playing...What I saw was quite amusing...there were few kids who had I-Pods plugged into thier ears...there were few with mobile phones...showing off to their friends some new games or pictures...few had some other electonic stuff...little girls were dressed up as if they have to perform a fashion show that very moment...they sat in a corner and were gossiping like teen-agers...

All of us have had childhood memories...but it was nothing of this sort...we played games...outdoor games...where we skinned our knees,sweated out in the heat,played till the time our parents didn't drag us back home...all those hide-n-seek,catch me if you can,chain-chain...the list is endless...and I remember coming back home carrying loads of dust and dirt in my clothes and surprizingly we never got any "infection"!

We had real friends...with whom we fought,cried,made teams,laughed...not like what the kids have today...fake electronic pals...I seriously feel that these "mall-culture" kids are missing out on loads of fun...afterall you don't get this time back of running around in a playground with wind in your hair and sand at your feet...living a careless and free life...

Childhood is something which gives us memories we can treasure for our entire lives...after all its our childhood where we realize for the first time that there is a hidden talent in us...some of us almost feel that after Sachin Tendulkar and Prakash Padukone the only saviour of Indian sport is US!

I remember a few lines of one of my favourite song as I think of my chilhood friends and memories...

"We Had Joy...We had Fun...

We Had Seasons In The Sun...

But the Stars We Could Reach...Were The Star- Fish On The Beach..."

Mirror Mirror On The Wall...

Not too often it happens that the first thing that I do when I wake up in the morning is to see myself in the mirror...it happened today and I noticed myself closely with half-asleep,messed up hair morning look...
I am five foot three,with long-length hair that lands on my waist.My hair color is black.I am medium kind of person.
Not fat,not skinny;I exercise 6 days a week,a little bit of cardio vascular exercises and light sessions of weight training. But nothing to excess,nothing not enough.
Not obsessed,addicted to anything.
I'm neither out-going nor shy...but a little of both...depending on my mood...depending on the occasion.
I never overdo anything and enjoy most of the things I do.
I am seldom bored and rarely whine.
I am pretty...not stunning,not ugly.
I don't expect too much,am never too disappointed.
I'm OK.
Nothing spectacular but sometimes special.
I look in the mirror and see this medium average person.

A little tired...a little sad...but not falling apart...

Listen to you heart...

There are times when each one of us feel lost...disconnected...unfamiliar...with no-one but ourselves... It happens many times that we get so caught up in our routine life and doing things that the outside world expects from us that we start to forget or ignore our own interests and hobbies...we start to forget who we are and what we really like doing...

It's really easy to say "follow your heart" but it is extremely difficult to actually keep your mind aside and do what your heart says...not because we are not capable of doing so...but simply because there is no time and no space for those actions that originates from the heart...

Ask yourself...when was it the last time you really did something that your heart allowed you to but your mind said "no"?? I am sure most of us had taken a moments to recollect that this happened long time ago...probably in our childhood...

I wanted to be a dancer...dancing has always been a passion...my heart always said to follow this path and take it up as a career...but my mind had to do the practical thinking process of keeping upto the great expectations of my parents...I ended up listening to my mind and got into a college which eventually awarded me a professional degree on completion of my course...

In this phase...the idea of dancing got lost somewhere...and by the time I planned to re-kindle that spark...it was too late...I somehow lacked the ability to be as creative as I used to be a couple of years ago...now I was a totally changed person...more academic and less creative...

I still do a little dancing...but its not like how it used to be earlier...Its now become my favourite idea of passing my time...as I child I always saw myself performing and dancing...but today I am not even close to that long lost dream...

Usually I don't regret anything that happened in my past...I always move on...but if I have to pick up the single regret that I have in my life...it would be this...

I wish I could always listen to my heart...there are many more decisions that need to made in my life...I just wish that I could take those decisions with my heart...because its only the heart where there is absolutely nothing there to hide...